Crazy

I am trying my hand at blogging. I need some sort of therapy to deal with my constant frustration and disbelief at the world I am living in. A licensed therapist will cost me a copay, and as I am a mere teacher, I feel I can not afford it and provide for my family. So...blogging is my second choice.

Why do I need therapy? Good question. Complicated answer but I can sum it up in one word: Society.

I am a teacher. I used to love my job, actually LOVE it. Now, I do not even tolerate it. I go because I need the money, not because I feel like I am doing anything of value. I lost the feeling that I was appreciated as an educator several years ago when the great state Delaware decided to begin evaluating teachers based on standardized test scores, which in essence changed the education world so completely. My professional reputation now rests in the hands of 9 year olds that pick their nose, pee their pants, and curse at you. Delaware is not the only state but it is the only one I am intimately familiar with.

Today, we are taking the final Math DCAS, or state test. Keep in mind, we have taken it twice already this year. This test will make or break me. As I sat there, watching a young man who has chosen not to complete class work or homework all year, a young man who has not successfully ended a day without having to be reminded about an appropriate choice, a young man who bounces around in and out of other students' personal space, touching and distracting them, a young man who finished 20 multistep math problems in less than 5 minutes and chose not to do any work, a young man whose parents I have not met and it is May, I realized that I am an underpaid babysitter who is expected to perform miracles. I asked myself: Is this my life? Am I going to do this for the next 16 years? Then I thought: I must be crazy. Hence the need for therapy.

I look at the news website. In the past week alone, I have noticed four teachers arrested for inappropriate relationships with students and then today I saw that a 17 year old who has been kicked out of numerous public schools in Delaware was just arrested (and released on bail) for raping a 15 year old girl in SCHOOL, in the HALLWAY OF SCHOOL, DURING THE SCHOOL DAY. Take into account the gun violence in schools today. I again reached the decision: I must be crazy. I need therapy.

I come home. My husband works night shift. I never see him. On the weekends, he spends most of his time catching up on sleep. I have home improvement projects that have been in the "I'll do it later" state for over a year. For the entire school year, I have seen my husband from Saturday afternoon when he wakes up until Sunday night when he goes to bed. That is it. We glimpse each other as he falls asleep when I am waking up. We communicate by text messaging. However, my district has said no cell phone use during the day. That is great but my husband's building is a dead zone and we can't text at night. He can't make it to a phone to use the landline to have a conversation. So, I guess you could say we don't communicate. I have started getting up around 4:30 AM, so I can at least say I remember what he looks like when he comes through the door. The moral: I am crazy.

I have a 20 year old, soon to be college senior. I have an 11 year old, soon to be seventh grader. I was definitely crazy when I thought 9 years was a great age gap. In a few weeks, my 20 year old will turn 21, and then I will definitely be crazy. Thus, the need for therapy.

So why the blog title Black and White? I am not sure any longer. It started out as my belief in right and wrong, good and bad, moral and immoral, correct and incorrect. That was going to be my basis, but now I think it is going to be what makes me crazy.